MY RESPONSE

someone recently went through my online journal thinking it was unbiased, unopinionated, etc...and then proceeded to get irate about an entry that was posted back in june. ho boy. this "anonymous" person was so obliging as to leave me a comment. OBVIOUSLY they forgot to ask "what would jesus do?" before they wrote:

Hey Suzin, Why don't you tell them the hole truth? You had the material all along witht he dates on them. You had ample time to ask for certain days off. He told you that the last meeting was important. And why don't you tell your readers about the times that you missed meetings or were late because you were sleeping, like usual, or how about the time you left the meeting early because you had to get something to eat??? How about those times??? I was with Pastor Tom when he made the decision and it wasn't an easy one for him to make. He really prayed and was real concerned. By the way, when did good youth pastors start using that kind of language????? Suzin, a good youth pastor you would not make! Look at your record. You don't attend class, you sleep through youth events, you don't come to Sunday School, and you barely make it to church! I know that Pastor TOm loves you and the lesson you should learn is that Along with adulthood and the ministry come responsibility with you have no respect for you are the most iresponsible person that I know, THe fact that you have this on the internet is totally wrong. I hope that you take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and see if this is really what God has for you or maybe you need to look into changing your major. May God forgive you for tearing down this great man of God! All he has even done to you is to try to teach you, but even than you would'nt let him! I know that Pastor Tom loves you very much and would never hurt you on purpose. Hope you find some peace in your life somewhere Suzin and stop blaming other people for your mistakes!

my response:
Hey Suzin, Why don't you tell them the hole truth?
well, since i'm not God, i don't think i ever will be able to tell the "hole" truth. i can only tell the truth as i see it...i can only tell my side of things. i don't know pastor tom's view of this situation, what he sees as truth. i also don't know what his family's view is. i told my story based on facts, actions, reactions, words exchanged, etc. i know what i said back in april, i know what i said twice in may, and i know that pastor tom apparantly forgot everything i said and made an assumption that turned out to be false and i ended up being punished for it. i understand his reasons, but it scares the crap out of me that he'd make such an important decision based on what he thought without asking the person involved- ME-what was really going on with her in this situation.
You had the material all along witht he dates on them. yes, i did. i did, however, get those materials with those dates on them a bit late in the game. i missed the first meeting because i was TOLD the date through a third party, a third party who isnt reliable to remember important details and who tends to leave things out or get dates/numbers wrong.
You had ample time to ask for certain days off. that's funny, because i did ask for certain dates off. in fact, i told my employers that i wasn't working ANY sundays ALL SUMMER. and i've spent 5 years of my life working there, and have always maintained my "no sunday work" policy. unfortunately the manager who writes the schedule was on vacation and the head manager did it without consulting people's preferences and needs. he wasn't very accomodating with fixing the mistakes he made in scheduling, and not many people like to switch or cover weekend hours for their coworkers. and on top of that, those were the only hours i was scheduled for that week. not very good if you're trying to find money for college when you've run out, and you dont want to be a drop out.
He told you that the last meeting was important. yes, and i told him that it was important for me too. but since i'm a college student, and my primary residence outside of dormitory living is an hour and a half away, that alone makes it hard for me to be 100% sure i can make a meeting that was scheduled with someone else's convience in mind. on top of that, i was scheduled to work even though i'd asked off for that day, and i simply can't afford to lose my job over one mission trip meeting. and just to top it all off, my mother has lost her ability to function in society and is suffering from severe depression (ex: the most emotionally strenuous thing she does during a period of one week is go to the grocery store....and even that is pushing her limits. its hard for her to be able to do that without having a mini-nervous breakdown). one of her symptoms is obsessing over tiny things. which means that her finding out i'm driving up to hartford city results in a 3 hour freak out session over gas money being spent, possibility of car accidents, being in any sort of danger, when i'll get home and whether or not that will affect her falling asleep............i could keep going, but i'll stop. back to that meeting being important....yes, it was. but due to my extenuating circumstances, i felt it would behoove me to let him know way in advance that i was 95% sure i would not be at the last two meetings after i had to move home (and why). i told him in april when i was sure i wasnt living on campus again this summer. i reminded him at the beginning of may because he asked...apparantly he'd already forgotten. i thought it would be a good idea to remind him one last time a week before the meeting. i wanted to make sure he knew because i can totally understand that being a problem, me not being there. that's why i told him in april - so if it was such a problem i could be removed from the mission team early on. and if pastor tom had been acting responsibly he would've removed me at that time, NOT two days before. i did everything in my power to communicate and to be there.
And why don't you tell your readers about the times that you missed meetings or were late because you were sleeping, like usual, or how about the time you left the meeting early because you had to get something to eat??? I don't recall missing any meetings because i was asleep....i don't usually sleep sunday evenings. at that time i did, however, have a condition that resulted in my sleeping abnormal hours. some form of insomnia....and when i actually did fall asleep i never reached the REM stage of sleep, which meant i could be out for 12 hours and wake up without gaining anything, still as tired as when i fell asleep. dr. dick diagnosed me and gave me medication and now i'm pretty much better, though i have my days. i do not recall that affecting my involvement in the missions team, however. i do recall having to be late to something because i was writing a paper (a big 15 page exegesis paper). God's #1 priority for me right now is PREPARATION for the youth ministry...if i neglected that then i dont think i'd be following God's will. and if that means being late to a youth function, then so be it.
I was with Pastor Tom when he made the decision and it wasn't an easy one for him to make. He really prayed and was real concerned. i don't doubt it. what i doubt is that he made a responsible and fully thought out decision. i think he discussed it with certain people and completely forgot about everything i'd communicated to him on three separate occasions as early as 3 months before the trip, and based on his false assumptions, his complete lack of talking to me about the situation and what his worries/concerns/thoughts were, and the uninformed (not meant as an insult--they didnt know everything) opinions of other people close to him...i got screwed. i'm sure based on what you saw during that week he was considering it, it seemed like the right decision. unfortunately you only saw one side of what happened. you were told one thing by someone, and accepted it as truth. i'm telling you that you didn't get the whole truth.
By the way, when did good youth pastors start using that kind of language????? what? you mean "pissed off" and "arse"? when did the Bible prohibit such language? the commandment is "thou shalt not use the lord thy God's name in vain" meaning do not make promises in God's name flippantly. there's nothing about "thou shalt not use the words 'piss,' 'arse,'" etc. in fact, i think we had a chapel on this last year or the year before. i dont think that such words are inherently evil. while i understand that society sometimes attaches additional stigma to words like these, i myself am not terribly convicted over all "cuss words." while i do not use them in a ministry setting or anywhere that the youth group would have access to online (and no, this journal is not publicized to the youth group...you're the only one with this sn from the youth group, and therefore the only one with access to my journal), i am comfortable enough to use those words here in my journal.
Suzin, a good youth pastor you would not make! wow. that's funny. if i read on, i find that i'm in trouble for ripping on pastor tom online. what's this? and anyways, who are you to judge? God is the only one who judges me. not you. and if God has called me into full time service for him in a youth ministry setting, then by golly i'll do it. i'm not going to pull a jonah here and run away crying just because i'm scared of the ninevites or what they'll think or say. i honestly don't think it's your place to tell me what i'll be good at, especially when you barely know me. i know who you are, and i can say that you've only touched the surface of getting to know me. make some effort to research before you form such strong opinions.
Look at your record. You don't attend class, you sleep through youth events, you don't come to Sunday School, and you barely make it to church! see above explanation for sleep abnormalities. i don't come to Sunday School? so? neither do pam, vic, cindy, etc. i was unaware that it was required of me to attend Sunday School targeted at an age-group far below my own. part of being a youth pastor is learning to take time away from the ministry in order to avoid burnout. if pastor tom thinks i should be there every single sunday for sunday school with the teens, then he should tell me that. i can't live up to expectations i haven't been informed of. being late to church/sunday school/etc? its hard to be on time when you live 1/2 hour away and you're someone else's ride and they don't always set their alarm or get up on time. i've taken the blame for that far too much, and i realize now that when i do that i appear irresponsible. maybe i should stop giving people rides to church, how about that?
I know that Pastor TOm loves you based on my experiences, i'm not sure i'd say that. owell, its your opinion. i personally think he views me as just a college student that is a liability on his youth ministry, and he aviods investing in me. love is a verb, not a front. my experiences have led me to believe his "love" for me is a mask he puts on because its expected of him by me, other leaders, the church, his job, his family, God....but i havent personally in the past year honestly experienced what i think is an act of love from pastor tom fett. maybe i just have really low self esteem, i dont know. that's just my opinion.
the lesson you should learn is that Along with adulthood and the ministry come responsibility with you have no respect for you are the most iresponsible person that I know i'm still trying to make sure i understand this one....(note: punctuation is a virtue). dude, adulthood and ministry is nothing BUT responsibility! bills, bills bills....and trust me, in ministry oftentimes it seems as though there is no room for error (as evidenced by this situation...on so many levels for both parties). "you have no respect for".....um, im not sure what i'm being accused of not respecting. there are many things i dont respect. there are also many things i do respect. be more specific. as to me being the most irresponsible person you know....hmm. i missed (not skipped, a difference) the last meeting in order to work and subsequently NOT get fired from my job since there was no way out of working that night without skipping work. if i didnt have a summer job that paid fairly well this summer, i wouldn't have enough money to pay for college and would have to drop out. so when i was forced to make a decision between paying for college and attending a meeting where pastor tom restated everything i'd already heard, and i chose what i felt would best serve reaching God's will, that was irresponsible of me? when i waited and waited before telling my parents about my sleep problems in order NOT to have to spend more money on doctor's bills for me was that irresponsible? it may have been stupid, but i was trying to save my parents from frivolous expenses, and "suzin can't sleep normal" sure sounds frivolous, doesn't it? i'm sure you think so. i think instead of questioning whether or not i am responsible, maybe you should question whether or not the demands being made are reasonable...mission meeting or tuition money? maybe you should question whether its possible for a person to live up to expectations that have never been communicated. its hard to follow rules you don't know. ex: wouldn't it suck if all of the sudden students were getting kicked out of IWU for wearing athletic shoes? i never read that in the handbook, or heard an RA say we couldn't wear them...but apparantly there's a rule against them now....it would make more sense to TELL the students before enforcing the rules, eh? sometimes that's how i feel as a staff member.
THe fact that you have this on the internet is totally wrong. why? this is my online JOURNAL. the only people with access to that are the people i've given my screenname to. the only people from hartford city who have potential to access it are joe, josh weesner, and now you. i'd actually forgotten about that entry, it was so long ago. and of the three people listed, i'm pretty sure you and very rarely joe are the only two that access this. and trust me, joe's heard it already ;). but yeah, i'm going to have to disagree with you on that one. i didn't create a webpage on how angry i am at pastor tom, i simply made an entry in my online diary regarding that topic. one entry in a three or four year period. hot diggity, am i evil. i also didn't post it on the youth webpage....i made an entry in a journal. it's okay. people do it every day.
I hope that you take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and see if this is really what God has for you what? posting things on the internet? i'm going to assume that "this" is referring to youth ministry, though you didnt make that very clear. and yes, i do believe "this" is what God has for me. i've felt called to youth ministry since junior high. i've never felt God leading me anywhere else! God has been pretty straight-forward about it. even when i've felt down spiritually in the past ten or so years God has kept me pointed in one direction and one direction only. i've never considered anything else, because me doing anything else would be me "pulling a jonah," swimming straight into the belly of a whale. trust me, over the years i've looked in that mirror long and hard and i'm aware of what's there. i'm aware that its hard for me to bend without breaking when i disagree with a leader or lose respect for their abilities....but if that's what God wants of me, that's what i'm going to have to do, eh? and just because one errant youth pastor i'm working under unintentionally betrayed my trust and respect doesn't mean i should run away from what God has called me for.
maybe you need to look into changing your major. that's never going to happen. i could see adding a biblical studies or intercultural studies major to it, but trust me. God has called me into youth ministry specifically. i will be a full time youth pastor or staff member until i retire. nothing else (unless its a pizza hut job or something for monetary reasons....marraige and family take money and i plan on those too).
May God forgive you for tearing down this great man of God! if i have sinned, then yes, i pray that God forgives me. but are you sure it's your job to decide whether or not i've sinned? i dont think its a sin to disagree with someone's decisions. instead of blaring that opinion to the entire youth group/church body, i decided to discuss it with joe, my parents, and "write my feelings out" in my journal. i'm the kind of person who just can't move on from something until i've vented. and oftentimes that's what i use this journal for. VENTING. i've heard you vent many a time and i dont think any less of you. is this a double standard?
All he has even done to you is to try to teach you, but even than you would'nt let him! what has he taught me? how hard has he tried to teach me anything? the most he's done for me is give me a few preaching opportunities and one "youth sponsor retreat." i haven't learned about networking, i haven't had any personal attention regarding sermon writing or any pointers/tips on preaching, never once has he actually reviewed my material apart from asking what the subject matter is. i havent been invited to seminars or meetings that would teach me a vast array of church related material as to how being a pastor of any sort works. i havent been given many chances to grow as a leader or pastor - what i've been given is a chance to remain pretty horizontal in my ministry. and through all this i've been given a front-row seat to watch him invest his all in another college youth ministry student, and one that hasnt been around as long as me (not that that matters, i guess). why? simply a gender issue. which was admitted by pastor tom himself. and one of his greatest teaching opportunities of my entire college career he shut me out of. .............well. i'll be the first to say that i'm still around because this is the ministry God is calling me to. it sho aint fo the hip hopping lessons i've been learning from the man who happens to be youth pastor right now. and me not letting him? was there supposed to be a lesson in me beign kicked off the mission team? if so, it would've been nice of him to attempt to teach it instead of force it down my throat. if he wants me to learn responsibility as a pastor, maybe he should open his ears and start listening to what people try to say. i know he's not the best listener, but sometimes things are important. he needs to recognize my efforts to be resonsible (i.e. giving him ample opportunity to remove me from the missions team for being unable to attend those meetings 3 months in advance) instead of ignoring/overlooking them. instead of teaching me lessons he ASSUMES i need to learn, perhaps he should consider what i DO need to learn.
I know that Pastor Tom loves you very much and would never hurt you on purpose. like i said, i'm not sure about love. maybe "christianly concern". i dont think he'd hurt me on purpose either. but he did hurt me, and he knew he had. but what hurts even worse than this whole situation is him pretending like it never happened. i've been waiting since it happened for him to be a leader and a pastor and address this situation. never once has he even attempted to begin a process of healing. even if he thinks he's done no wrong, don't you think that as our pastor and the leader of this ministry its his responsibility to try to begin a process of healing in this situation? i know i can be the first to bring it up, but that feels like pulling teeth now since it's apparant he'd rather pretend the whole thing never happend. unfortunately, there's way too many reactions to this one action that are only getting worse as time goes by and this remains unaddressed. i now realize that i AM going to have to make the first move. that disappoints me, and makes me lose faith in his abilities as a leader.
Hope you find some peace in your life somewhere Suzin that truly would be a blessing.
stop blaming other people for your mistakes! don't be trying to take my mistakes away from me. they're MINE. i've learned the best lessons of my life from my mistakes. i've done the most growing through them. i'm keeping them, not giving them away. get that straight. and i'm not BLAMING pastor tom for anything. i'm HOLDING HIM RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS. BIG difference. i'm responsible for my own actions....i still think i was very responsible in choosing work and my summer job over this one meeting. i would LOVE to skip work and hang out at the annex in hartford city! dont you think those kids are more fun to me than a bunch of sweaty perverted star wars nerd boys in a pizza hut? it does come close, but those kids ARE more fun. i have a financial and filial repsonsibility, which ties directly into my spiritual responsibility to prepare for ministry to serve God. if i lose my job, i lose paychecks, i lose my best chance at preparing for God's service. sounds pretty irresponsible to me that way. i hold myself responsible for my own actions, just as i hold everyone else. i cant be responsible for everyone around me, i cant control them. i sometimes wish i could, im sure that would be easier. but God gave us free will...suzin's will doesn't trump that. pastor fett has his own will. joe has his own will. you have yours. and just as i must answer for my choices, so must you and the next person. and when those choices directly affect the people around you, they're still your choices. those people can't help what you decided.


in case this hasnt been made clear yet, i'm not angry that i was removed from the mission team. God didn't lay a clear path either way for this trip. it was one of those things that God could use me no matter what i decided. i love missions, so i decided to go. i understood that my limitations as a college student might become a hindrance to the trip, and recognizing that i gave warning that variables were in play that might make me a less than desireable candidate for this trip. no one spoke up, and i remained on the missions team until the last second when their minds were changed.

i'm angry and hurt and upset because of the REASON i was kicked off the mission team combined with the way i was INFORMED as well as the TIMING of such a decision. if those meetings were so important that i be at, then i should've been removed in april. if the decision wasn't made until the day i missed the meeting, then i should've been told that day. pastor tom also should've used a form of communication that is established between us -- never once has he emailed me, save in this situation. he didn't even know if i had internet access or not...once again he ASSUMED. once again, wrong. he knew my cell # and he should've called since that's the only way we've communicated over distance in the past year. and when i tried to call to tell him i dont have email, instead of avoiding my calls he should've answered his phone, even if he was under the impression i'd just read the email and was calling him upset. what pastor ignores an upset lay leader? its actions like this that lead to huge problems within a church. and like i've said, two days before the trip commences is not the time to make examples of people over trivial matters. if that meeting was so important he should've let me go in april instead of 2 days before leaving, instead of the last minute. i put a lot of time into preparation for this trip. i even lost a lot of time over it -- if he'd let me know i wasnt invited sooner, i could've been working and making money. pushing off telling me for fear of my reaction only made that reaction worse, and cost me a week's worth of money.

basically this is just one big huge misunderstanding that has resulted in some very bad things. its snowballed beyond anyone's worst nightmare.

so please, next time make sure you have the full story. i've known you've felt different about me since it happened. and you know what? that's what makes me angriest of all--i've been discredited as a staff member. that you and others view me as a bad person now. that hurts, and it hurts deep. i'm here for YOU GUYS, and one misunderstanding leads to YOU GUYS shutting me out. doesn't that defeat the purpose of ministry? i in no way hold you responsible for what pastor tom decided. maybe you had some say in it -- but it still wasnt your decision. you arent the youth pastor, and you arent pastor tom. you are you. a different person. and i personally dont think that a misunderstanding between me and pastor tom should come between any friendship or whatever it is that is between you and me. it can be hard to separate personal and professional feelings, but i really dont see why this should be an issue between us. i'm not disagreeing with him on a personal level, i'm disagreeing with him on a professional level.

i hope you've read this with an open mind and open heart. i dont want to "get you on my side" or whatever. i simply want you to understand where i'm coming from. what my anger is based on, and that i have a right to it. maybe this isnt a situation where you can view my side fairly, considering your relationship to the other person. i can understand that. that's where you're coming from. i'm not trying to attack anyone or question their right to a job...i'm just disagreeing with decisions and actions theyve taken as a leader of a youth ministry. one bad situation doesn't disqualify someone from ministry to God! all i want is to get all the dirt out from under the rug its been swept under and solve some issues. this is ultimately about ministry, not proving who's right and who's wrong. i know that. but if this is poisoning the ministry (and it is in some ways), then it needs to be taken care of. it's much better to deal with problems than to ignore them. ignoring them allows them to grow until they can't be fixed. i hope its not too late for this one.


current mood: crappy