jacka handa

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

#221: For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

#391: Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."

#356: Here's a tip: If you ever decide to take apart a bird's nest, to see how it's made, first make sure it's not somebody's basket they got in South America.

#383: Mom used to make the most beautiful Easter eggs. Then she'd hide them in the backyard. But they were so beautiful, when we found one, we weren't allowed to pick it up. We had to point at it, and then Mom would come pick it up with her white gloves and put it back in its case. Somebody ended up smashing all those eggs with a hammer. I think it was our dog.

#312: When I think of some of the things that have been done in the name of science, I have to cringe. No, wait, not science, vandalism. And not cringe, laugh.

#180: Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.

#191: I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

#98: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate works-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

#89: If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

#25: The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

#374: With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it.

current mood: sleepy