see, people, this is why i hate coming home. jeesh.
a little background~
yeah, so i grew up, i became Suzin, blah blah blah, met a guy at work, dated guy from work, guy from work (Rafo, the freakin puerto rican) destroyed me in every way he could think of. yay! then i went to college and became a much better and different and NEW suzin! but the problem is when i go home for long periods of time, i forget about my new life and become more like my old life. hatred. bitterness. agnst. and it doesnt help that there's plenty of rafo around.
this kid from work, brian, was at a party with the evil ex himself last night. apparantly there was a conversation regarding ME. ho boy. brian told rafo i was "engaged to be engaged" (that sounds so freaking gay. i'm SOON TO BE engaged, world. engaged to be engaged is just adding more steps in there that just dont belong), and rafo said he'd been hearing that. who is his informant?! what the crap?!! where is he hearing about me??? but yeah. and then he told brian that he really needs to talk to me. according to brian, rafo needs closure.
ok. what the crap. rafo needs closure?! that's almost funny. i seem to remember RAFO dumping SUZIN. RAFO wanted to fool around with KAREN WEAVER. RAFO didn't want to be in a long-distance or long-term relationship. RAFO. i got my closure, now how the heck does he not have any? what's that about?
and apparantly he thinks i still have his phone numbers memorized. i think i'm supposed to call him, according to brian. the boy dumped me, for another girl, three or four years ago and he thinks i still got his cell on speed dial? have i just been sitting there for years and years, waiting for him to be done sowing his wild oats and call me again? not so much, fool.
haha, and i told him that when he dumped me. he had some idea that in three or four years, at the end of college, we'd get back together and end up getting married. he told me basically it was going to be between me and karen weaver, and he had to date her for about a year until he knew what being with her was like, and then he'd sit down and compare us and choose who he'd spend the rest of his life with. i really wasnt into that idea (obviously). i figured if he didnt love me enough to commit to me then, then forget it. take your little home wrecker and live happily ever after, coz i dont need to be his second choice. i told him then that if he dumped me for her, it was going to make any happiness we once had turn to bitterness. there would be no "happy memories" because they all became lies to me. if he'd been secretly in love with another girl the entire time, then how was our relationship real? it was all fake. i was always the consolation prize. i'm not okay with being second best to the man i'm with. i told him he couldnt take four years to figure out who he really loved more. if he dumped me then, i was going to end up meeting another guy and marry him. if he really seriously thought he might want to end up with me in the future, he'd darn well better keep me in the present.
well, i guess we all know what choice he made. the funny thing is, i think he and karen didnt last that long. i havent heard anything for certain but i doubt she'd be pleased that her man was chasing after his ex. i'd be less than pleased.
so i guess all this means that in the next couple weeks rafo will make himself known yet again, and then suzin is just going to end up restating everything that was said during those three weeks it took him to end the relationship....only now instead of saying "this is what will happen" it will be "i was right, this IS what happened." grrr. he totally makes me want to say horrible, bad, evil words.
for all those psychoanalyzing me right now -- YES. i am aware of it. i'm aware that there's still obviously a lot of feelings between me and him, at least on my part. and apparantly on his part as well since he can't let me alone and tries to communicate with me every few months. i did at one time love him passionately...i did make my heart vulnerable to him....but when he destroyed all that, those feelings ceased to be positive feelings...now its all anger, hurt, bitterness.........and i really don't think there'd ever be a way to completely heal all that and be able to be friends or significant others or whatever it is he thinks he's after right now. plus, there's a perfectly wonderfully good joe (dont worry, folks, there's always joe).
i just wish he'd go back to PR and find some stupid girl willing to put up with all his issues and leave me alone.
current mood: pissed off
current music: what not to wear on tv
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