i'm a failure. i've been real sick and exhausted all semester, which has resulted in very poor grades, which has resulted in lots of stress (so much my hair is falling out)....its just been one load of crap after another.
and i've tried to hold everything together on my own. i guess i thought i could, or that i was being some sort of martyr and keeping my mom from having more problems....wrong! i've just made things worse.
so now i'm between a rock and a hard place....drop out for the semester, or stay and flunk out and then my parents won't pay for college anymore coz i didn't make a C average? if i go home, mom's insisting on putting on a lot of rules...no visits to hartford or marion ("MAYBE" she'll let me finish out new member classes at HCWC, which will result in getting a student ministerial liscense and contactin the DB, which will help me lots in getting jobs in the future)....no this, no that....no "fancy snacks that i'm so used to." that was funny. i told her the most exciting thing i eat is cheetos. .....i offered to pay them back for this semester before she could even bring up the money issues.
so yeah. conversation over. suzin peeved at the no traveling rules (moms exact words were "you're not running up there all the time"...which translates into "NO"), but held her tongue figuring things might change and plus it's just a month and a half. but then, of course, mom calls back. she always calls back nowadays. she always figures she didn't bitch enough and within seconds needs to call back to get the last word -- AGAIN. so she calls and says "oh, and by the way, you're not going back for may term. you think you're so "sick" (drip the sarcasm on here) and you need to rest and recuperate. you can't handle this. it's just going to be more of the same, you'll feel like crap, you won't get out of bed, you'll skip all your classes and fail them too." so this has me pissed. and i know i'm going to regret what i say if i open my mouth. so i just sat there in silence. finally she said something and all i replied was "uh huh" and "whatever"....so she repeated what i just said back with attitude and said "you hear how HATEFUL that sounds?!". so i pointed out that there's a whole heck of a lot more i want to say right now that i'm not saying that would sound more hateful than "uh huh" and "whatever." she said she sure believed it. *insert more insinuations that suzin is a failure and if she plans on may term she better have cash falling out her butt to pay for it* so i ended up thanking her for ruining my day and life and hung up on her.
what's weirding me out the most is that she hasn't called back yet. neither has mark. i figured mark would call back and yell at me for making mom cry or something (she sure wasnt crying while i was talking to her, though. i figured afterwards). i could hear him in the background, probably feeding her gripes like usual...though occasionally he'll be the rational one and tell her not to take things that far, not to call back, not to say that.....but i'm not sure what he was saying. i'm going with feeding the gripes, coz that's what it sounded like to me.
so...the question remains: kill myself by staying in school and flunking out or kill myself in going home to live with such happy people? either way i'm a complete failure, apparantly.
now, i could always move in with dad for the month and a half instead. but there's soooo many reasons not to. among them: would mom&mark continue to pay for college if they thought i was abandoning "the family"? would mom be able to handle it? would it really be any better rules-wise and such to live with dad than mom&mark for the month and a half? is dad going to be able to afford it if i live there? arrrrg.
current mood:
depressed