"i'm going on vacation." PART TWO

***start reading below post for part one***

Bradley ended his set with "The Annoying Hardcore Dude That Goes Too Far" and it...was....Marvelous. I loved every moment, every word. Well, of the whole experience, not just his signature poem.

The lights came back on and there was a massive exodus of scene kids. Digs, Jon, and I stood around and contemplated our next move. Sarah and I considered marriage to the Beloved Bradley. I tried to get one of my pals to pick up a dirty piece of broken linoleum off the floor and have Bradley autograph it, but they turned the tables and dared me back. Therefore no one left with a broken autographed linoleum square. Poor Bradley doesn't know what he missed.

Poor Bradley doesn't know what he missed in not proposing marriage right then and there.

I think Dignal and I's favorite line out of the entire Bradley Experience was:

"What Michael Bolton was to good hair in the 1980s, Bradley Hathaway is to hand-holding."

...an analogy that was illustrating the fact that one night Bradley held a girl's hand and the next day she dumped him. OH SO FUNNY!


We all piled back in Dignal's SUV, now much more cultured having listend to actual beatnik poetry. She took us to our respective cars, and a caravan was born. Sarah led, Jon was in the middle, and Suzin became the Caboose. Sarah and I spent about twenty minutes of the trip on our cell phones, just because Jon was in the middle and we could talk about him without his knowledge. When Sarah lost us at a light and Jon tried to call her, we ignored him. I knew it was going to be okay and Sarah was on the up-and-up, so we just let Jon simmer. For some reason our conversation turned to the fact that Sarah believed there was still a tampon box in the bathroom trash. I sarcastically replied "Oh, gosh, no! Jon has never seen the likes of that before! He'll FREAK OUT!!! Whatever shall we do??" and told her to call him and yell "TAMPON!" and then hang up. For some reason I ended up calling and doing that, though. I immediately called Sarah back. Jon showed up on the call waiting, so I flashed over. "What the heck did you just say to me before you hung up?!" "TAMPON!!! *click*" I flashed back to Sarah. "Oh man, I just had to do it again." Sarah and I talked until the cell phone service cut out.

After about a half-hour drive, we showed up at the Dignal's on Bertha Street. Dignal led us to the church parking lot, where she parked with one space inbetween her Kia and the church van. Jon parked with one space inbetween himself and Dignal's Kia. I, seeing a patter, finished by parking with one space inbetween myself and Jon Schaller. He gave me many funny looks while we were getting out of our cars. "THERE WAS A PATTERN AND I COULD NOT BREAK IT!" I shouted into the cold autumn air.

We unloaded our cars and marched across the yard to Dignal's house. Our stuff was piled into her room. Each of us had to utilise the facilities. While Dignal was indisposed, Jon and I started a conversation about Barbies and how the only purpose we ever had for playing Barbies as children were to make them "have sex." Jon shared his stories, and I told mine about Kelli Masser stripping my Barbie and Ken and making them lie on top of each other while making strange noises with her mouth. I had no idea what she was doing. I was probably five years old.

The three of us prepared ourselves for the Great Backyard and went outside to have a bonfire. Sarah and I brought blankets, and Jon tagged along with his new book, "All The Hits So Far" by our dear old friend BH. Sarah somehow accidently managed to start a fire, and we sat around it on haybales. We noticed Sarah's brother, The Other Jon, and his friends next door (which was aways away) playing with fire. We gasped as flaming objects hurtled across the yard, and were amazed when the whole neighborhood lit up at one point due to their antics. Sarah and I huddled into a quilt and scampered across the grass to sneak up and check out their fire. Jon tagged along.

We approached their fire, made some small talk, and then left (stealing some firewood along the way. The girls were determined to outdo, so we pulled out some gasoline and doused one log. It didn't do much, but it was fun to freak ourselves out playing with fire. Jon gave a couple of dramatic readings from the poetry book, and we shared some conversations. At one point we tore across the fields to try to catch the train headed our way. I think this was the highlight of my entire weekend -- chasing a train through the night, and then falling down and looking up at the stars. There's something about the sound of a rushing train that exhilirates me. After failing to catch the train we headed back to our cozy fire and talked some more.

When The Other Jon returned home we realized it was somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 a.m. Sarah, Jon, and I headed inside. Jon was banished to the basement while the girls had a sleepover in Sarah's room.

I'm not sure when it is that Jon woke up and got ready for the day, but Sarah and I slept past noon. Sarah made us lunch (chicken fingers and a salad) and we sat at the island in the kitchen on bar stools and ate. Bekah came in and Jon....turned on? He went parental. It was so fun to watch -- him threatening her with Hebrew School if she didn't do as he told her. He inspired himself with his own threats and commanded her to go and get her Bible. With very little help from me (the only one who actually knows any Hebrew), he proceeded to teach her the Hebrew alphabet from Psalm 119 (which, as we all know, is a very long acrostic poem) and a few Yiddish words and phrases. Her "homework" is to study the alphabet, Yiddish terms, and to memorize Psalm 119. I'm not going to lie to you--I'm insanely amused by the entire thing. I think Bekah took him very seriously because she then spent a long time studying these things while we went into the next room to watch some Tommy Lee Goes to College on TiVo. Yes, Dignal, TLGTC is awfully funny.

After Tommy Lee succeeded in the drumline (I'm sure Jon would dispute that) we went out to run our errands. Jon needed to get to a Men's Warehouse and be fitted for a tux for Kevin Stinehart's upcoming wedding. Sarah and I stood in the tie section, pretending to browse (actually, there were quite a few awesome looking ties in there) as we watched Jon's body language from across the store. While being fitted Jon stood there acting like a puppy in trouble. His face had fallen. His shoulders stooped. His body drooped. We were tickled. After about five minutes he was done so we headed next door to Pier 1...................UNIMPRESSED. Everything was overpriced and looked like it was cheaply and poorly made, very low quality. The only items that looked decent were the dinnerware and glassware. Frankly, World Market kicks Pier 1's butt.

So we headed next next door to World Market. Money was actually spent here (on candles and soap for me, dinnerware for Jon). Much more prowling was done. I love World Market. World Market is my heaven.

Sarah peed next next next door at Border's, and we headed back to the vehicles. The girls said our goodbyes to Jon, and we drove our separate ways. *Sigh*


Sarah and I headed back home and immediately fell asleep. We woke up to make some pies and eat dinner -- roast beef (!). Zack, Sarah's friend from work, came over and we had a second, much less exciting bonfire. We ate pie outside (the first time I've eaten the fruits of my labors)(I make a pretty good pie crust, by the way) and then went inside to drink tea (mostly because Sarah forced it on us). We went downstairs and watched Amelie (Meres, I played your part and fell asleep until Sarah stuck her finger in my ear). After the movie Zack went home and we went straight to bed. During the night there was a wicked crazy storm (no power for a few hours) and we woke up 15 minutes before church. We got there a little bit late, but in time for the all-church meet 'n' greet and the sermon. After church was lunch at Applebee's with Mrs. Dignal and Bekah and then back to pack my car. Sarah wrote me directions to I-69 down, and I managed to get there with no scrapes. For some reason the two-hour drive only took an hour and forty minutes....I......um......don't get it?



And that was my vacay.

The End.