different

i'm tired of feeling used. i don't know...are there really people out there who are "different than all the rest"?



i think i'm coming to the conclusion that i no longer think i could work full-time in an environment that is considered "Christian." (as in a church or christian university, for example) and that pretty much nixes the youth ministry career.

i think i went into this with too many youthful ideals and the idea that perhaps "Christian" workplaces would operate on a different level than the rest of the world. i was wrong.

while i can take most crap i find in the worldly workplace, i cannot stomach backstabbing, manipulation, betrayal, lying, etc in a church environment. if our career is to promote Christ, gee, i guess i assumed we'd live up to that ideal ourselves.

this doesn't mean i never want to work in a youth group again under any circumstances. this just means i don't want to be the one calling the shots. i have never had a youth pastor act as a good role model. sure, even though they were pastors they are also humans...but out of the three youth pastors i've spent time with in my life, none of them has managed to keep their own selfishness from snowballing the ministry. add to which church politics are pretty much unavoidable and something i refuse to participate in...yeah. so i'll just stay in "sponsor" mode.

and i simply don't feel called any longer. i can't explain it. maybe i did what i was supposed to do already. and i'm not out of brittany's life. i still want to be an important part of her life. she needs it. that's still my ministry. but i no longer feel called to be a full-time youth pastor for life.

so now what?

Acceptance - "Different"

Tell myself, on the ride home.
Getting tired, hating all I've known.
Holding on, like it's all I have.
Count me out, when it's clear that I, find it hard to say.
And you, find it hard to care.

I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me.

Got this way, upfront but never true.
God I'm wrong, it's just the way I am.
Crashing down, any chance you hear.
Caving in, any chance that you, could see inside of me.
And I don't know what to say, It's fine.
This isn't Hollywood.
So fine, getting in your way.

I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me.

I'm taking a chance, this could be different.
This could be all I'm waiting for.
Taking a chance, this could be different.
This could be all I'm waiting for.

I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me.