mellon collie

*disclaimer*
i know there's been some confusion as to what i really meant in "meanwhile back on the ranch..." on january 20....
to clear things up: i wasnt saying "thats it, no more friendship with Anonymous for me, its over, im closing that door, im gone, get over it" or anything to that effect. what im saying is that i'm trying my best to deal with the way things are without killing myself over it. i'm not giving up, i'm not closing any doors, and i have hope that one day things can be the way they once were again. i'm saying that here i am, and someone has closed a door in my face and shut me out completely. there is no way for me to get back in until they open that door back up. up until recently i've been standing there, crying and banging and scratching, trying to get back in. and after every argument, it seems like things will get better and they never do, they dont even stay the same, they just get worse. and instead of being the annoying girl who won't let things be and who keeps forcing the issue, i'm just going to step back and let things go where God wants. i cannot open that door. no matter how much i want that door opened for me, no matter how much i miss being on the inside, I CANNOT OPEN IT. its not my door.

i get tears in my eyes just writing this.

but yeah. i want everyone to know that i'm not ditching a friend. i'm just fading into the background until theyre ready for me to be there again. there's that old stupid saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." thats the situation. i can offer my friendship til i'm blue in the face, but it has to be accepted. and its basically been turned down.


its really hard. i try to talk to you and get back inside, but its not working. conversation just doesnt seem to come for you. every topic just dies and lays there, shut down...i mean, yeah, you answer us back so you can say "i talk to you" but your replies are as short as they can possibly be without you having to prolong anything. therefore, any chance of a real conversation is killed as quickly as possible. that hurts.

and something i'd been looking forward to all week got janked...coz "all of the sudden [you] just didn't feel like it" which is very hard to believe, given the nature of the activity. its hard to understand anything about you anymore. but i'd been looking forward to that for a week, thinking i'd get to spend some quality time with you doing something that you love.

i guess i just wish that you would stop hurting me. and no, completely shutting yourself out or separating yourself from my friendship is NOT going to stop the hurting, its only going to magnify it. i just wish things could be the way they once were, even if the nature of relationships has changed. i dont understand how things can't go on even with the change happening.

very confused.

current mood: sad
current music: Joe's Bad Day - Be Like You