ay caramba!!! just randomly saw joey on campus AND his mom AND both of his brothers...of course, only one of them admitted my existence. FAR BE IT from joshua to look me in the eye or say "hello" at some point. man, i figure, by the time i'm pregnant with like the 6th kid, he'll wake up one day and be like, "dude, self, i think my stupid brother is married. well, at least that chick he always hangs out with...i think its been a few years now and shes still around....she's getting fat though. and who's rugrats are these?!" yeah and theres no way he ever gets to babysit. nope. im making a promise to myself NOW. NEVER!!!!
so...i think i need to redirect some of my life. its become quite obvious to me that theres just certain things that i cherish dearly but it hurts too much to keep trying to hold on. yeah, it hurts like none other to let go coz these were the best of times in my life (literally), but trying to force life to stay fun in the same way just isnt working out. and i can trust that God will give me more fun down the road. i dont think God could run out of fun, could He?!?!?!? i think not. but yeah. i think ive done all possible on my part to keep things awesome, and its progressively worse no matter how much everyone denies it. and instead of forcing myself into situations im not comfortable and obviously not welcome, i'd rather just find my niche somewhere else, somewhere friendlier, somewhere that my friendship and qualities will be appreciated and welcomed whole-heartedly. im tired of pretending, acting like everythings A-OK and wonderful when its so far from it. i'm tired of being made to feel like if i dont live in a certain dorm or play a certain sport there's no way i'll ever be included or fit in. i just dont think thats how friendship works. with every friendship ive had before now, it was the differences that brought people together, not making everyone the same. and i still believe that. i dont need to have everything in common with someone.
dont get me wrong, that doesnt mean complete ignoring and that im never talking to anyone again. i'm just following in the footsteps of all the other people i know that have given up on this situation. and from what i see, these people are far happier now than they were trying to make something what it wasnt.
i cant control everyone around me, and i dont want to. sometimes other people make decisions that affect those around them in a serious way, and some of those decisions have been made lately. i can't undo what's been done, all i can do i learn to live with it. and based on the choices that lie before me, i'm going to do what i feel God is leading me to do: accept it and move on in my life in a different direction. who am i to come crawling to someone every week, begging and crying for them to change their mind, not to give up? that would be selfish of me. and its not my place to do so.
ive had a wonderful year of friendship, and its changed me in many ways, and im quite thankful for it. but i guess that chapter in my life has been closed and its time for me to start writing a new chapter. i wish it could've lasted longer, if not forever, but i guess that was not my choice to make. and i dont like to think of this so much as "giving up" in that i'm lying down and dying or anything, but that i'm just accepting what's been handed to me and i'm working with it and moving on. dwelling on it wont solve any problems. if my friendship is not valuable, i'm not one who's ever forced it in the past. either i'm wanted or i'm not. just as God does not like lukewarm Christians, ive never been fond of lukewarm friends. i want my friends to be there for me, and for me to be there for them. i dont like being friends when its convenient. it doesnt work for me that way.
so yeah, this journal entry may be slightly cryptic, but i think that those who it applies to will realize what i'm saying. sorry to everyone else for boring them. maybe now i can find some peace.......
despite its bad start, i hope everyone has an awesome week!
prayer requests for suzin: unspoken, rachel, health, brookhaven wesleyan church, practicums, grades...
current mood: optimistic
current music: dave crowder band
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